My Pensieve

I haven’t made this statement on Facebook or anything cause I don’t want a shit ton of people to know yet, but I’ve been attempting to lose some weight and I wanted to gloat for a minute.
I’m not sure of the actual day I started, but it was sometime at the very beginning of April or very late march.
Anyway, since then, I’ve lost about 21 pounds, lost ~5 inches off my waist, 3 around my hips, 1 off my neck (lol) and my body fat percentage has gone down 6%.
Woot.
I’m not killing myself for nothing afterall. :)
Anyway. Done gloating.

Cheers!

Where something happened and I was immediately like, “I have to tell Daddy that!” …then I just shut down. I’m going crazy. I can hardly do anything. I can’t focus. I can’t carry on conversations as well as I used to. I just can’t do anything.
It’s frustrating.
I feel more helpless now than I did three months ago.
I don’t know what’s going on.
The tiniest things set it off…and I can’t make it quit.
I recently found a few voicemails on my phone. The voicemails themselves are nothing spectacular…in a regular situation. Yet I’ve found myself listening to them over and over and over.
I don’t even know the point of this post.
I’m just confused. And I’m lost. And I feel like this should be better than it was months ago. But it’s not.
Maybe I’ve drowned myself in school so long I became numb to it.
Except that can’t be true, cause there’s not a moment that I’m not thinking of him and there’s not a moment the hurting stops.
I don’t want pity.
No one even asks how I am anymore.
Not that I would particularly want to talk about it, that they the asker really wants to know…
I would just feel like I’m not going through this alone.
It’s only been three months and it seems like the whole world quit noticing there’s one less beautiful soul.
Is that how it is when anyone dies?
My dad, such a strong, loving, handsome, intelligent, caring person…forgotten by the world in a mere few months?
It makes me a little sick.

I just want to get out of this city. I don’t know where I’d go or what I’d do. Live in the shadows. Never make a difference to anyone. Be just like everyone else.
But even that sounds exhausting.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I miss my dad.

I made Alexi Laiho laugh today when I met him.
ALEXI LAIHO.
Now I feel like a boss.
He’s so freaking precious.

Since daddy passed away. Today was lonely.

Really lonely.

Words I Learned Today:
Big - Iso
Fast - Nopea
Happy - Iloinen
Hungry - Nälkäinen
Long/Tall - Pitkä
Loud - äänekäs
Old - Vanha
Quiet - Hiljainen
Sad - Surullinen
Short - lyhyt
Slow - Hidas
Small - Pieni
Tired - Väsynyt
Young - Nuori
Animal - Eläin
Bear - Karhu
Bee - Mehiläinen
Bird - Lintu
Butterfly - Perhonen
Cat - Kissa
Chicken - Kana
Cockroach - Torakka
Cow - Lehmä
Deer - Hirvi
Dog - Koira
Duck - Sorsa
Eagle - Kotka
Elephant - Elefantti
Fish - Kala
Fly - Kärpänen
Fox - Kettu
Frog - Sammakko
Goat - Vuohi
Goose - Hanhi
Hare - Jänis
Horse - Hevonen
Insect - Hyönteinen
Lion - Leijona
Monkey - Apina
Mosquito - Hyttynen
Mouse - Hiiri
Pig - Sika
Rabbit - Kaniini
Rat - Rotta
Sheep - Lammas
Snake - Käärme
Spider - Hämähäkki
Tiger - Tiikeri
Turtle - Kilpikonna
Wolf - Susi

EFF YEAH.

Hebrews it.

It’s been 23 days. 23 DAYS…. And it feels like nothing. I feel like nothing. There’s pain. And it won’t go away. How in the world has it been OVER 3 weeks, and it hurts more now than it has before? And every night my mind keeps me awake. And every night…I spend HOURS wishing this never would have happened. When I do sleep, it’s only for 30 minutes or an hour at a time. And I have nightmares. Nightmares that leave me in a cold sweat, and sheer terror.

This is by far…the worst and most painful thing I’ve ever been through. I almost don’t even know what to do anymore.

Work keeps me busy, but not busy enough to keep my mind at bay. Friends have their own lives and problems, I’m not about to shove mine down their throat.
So I’m left here.
I’ve spent a lot of time outside at night. Wondering. Questioning. Begging. Crying.
Asking why I can’t be taken, too.

Every day, this house speaks of countless memories. Memories from when I was a child. Memories of the happiness and love we all shared with one another.
I also think of all the memories that should have happened, but didn’t.
Daddy seeing me graduate college.
Or starting my career.
Walking me down the aisle.
Kissing a grandchild.
None of which can ever physically happen.

Everyone keeps telling me he’s in a better place now and he’s always with me. But…
Is it really so selfish of me to say that’s not good enough?
Is it really too much to ask for him to be physically present, here with me, where he should be?
Is it really that bad to wish with everything I have that this never happened?
Is it?
Is it really not okay for a daughter to miss her father so much that she just feels totally and completely lost?
Is it?

Every day I wonder how much longer I’ll feel this way. Feel the constant, agonizing pain. Catching my breath with every heartbeat. And every day I realize, this isn’t something that ever really goes away. This is something I have to learn to live with. Which seems impossible.

There’s no way this can be possible.

But it’s something I have to do.
…just not now.

For the time being, I can only concentrate on drifting through the blurred days, willing with all my strength to keep my head above water.

It’s been 18 days. 
I still don’t even really know what’s going on. I still don’t really know what day it is.  And I still don’t really have the will to get out of bed every morning…if you want to call it “morning. ” I haven’t gotten out of bed any earlier than 1pm unless I have to. I have nightmares every night. Not different ones, but just the same one every night. 
In my nightmare, mom and I are going to sleep except I know that if I fall asleep, I’ll die. That’s all there is to the nightmare, but that’s enough. I sleep in batches of 30 minutes to an hour. Then wake up for two. 
I know everything I’m experiencing and feeling are just components of grief and depression, but I hate it. 
I hated new years. Happy new year? Really? 
How the hell am I supposed to have a happy new year?
Of course spending new years eve alone crying wasn’t exactly what I had in mind for the night, I guess I should be used to it. 
I’m not bitching. I’m just writing. If this is my “journal” I might as well use it as such.