It’s been 23 days. 23 DAYS…. And it feels like nothing. I feel like nothing. There’s pain. And it won’t go away. How in the world has it been OVER 3 weeks, and it hurts more now than it has before? And every night my mind keeps me awake. And every night…I spend HOURS wishing this never would have happened. When I do sleep, it’s only for 30 minutes or an hour at a time. And I have nightmares. Nightmares that leave me in a cold sweat, and sheer terror.
This is by far…the worst and most painful thing I’ve ever been through. I almost don’t even know what to do anymore.
Work keeps me busy, but not busy enough to keep my mind at bay. Friends have their own lives and problems, I’m not about to shove mine down their throat.
So I’m left here.
I’ve spent a lot of time outside at night. Wondering. Questioning. Begging. Crying.
Asking why I can’t be taken, too.
Every day, this house speaks of countless memories. Memories from when I was a child. Memories of the happiness and love we all shared with one another.
I also think of all the memories that should have happened, but didn’t.
Daddy seeing me graduate college.
Or starting my career.
Walking me down the aisle.
Kissing a grandchild.
None of which can ever physically happen.
Everyone keeps telling me he’s in a better place now and he’s always with me. But…
Is it really so selfish of me to say that’s not good enough?
Is it really too much to ask for him to be physically present, here with me, where he should be?
Is it really that bad to wish with everything I have that this never happened?
Is it really not okay for a daughter to miss her father so much that she just feels totally and completely lost?
Every day I wonder how much longer I’ll feel this way. Feel the constant, agonizing pain. Catching my breath with every heartbeat. And every day I realize, this isn’t something that ever really goes away. This is something I have to learn to live with. Which seems impossible.
There’s no way this can be possible.
But it’s something I have to do.
…just not now.
For the time being, I can only concentrate on drifting through the blurred days, willing with all my strength to keep my head above water.